Words have hurt me many times in my life.
It was supposed to be my dream job, and I wanted to do my best. I was about forty days in when I got the chance to meet my boss’s favorite client. She (my boss) couldn’t say enough positive things about this client. By her descriptions, you would’ve thought the woman walked on water and had rainbows shooting out her ears.
I was excited to meet her.
No rainbows appeared when she walked in the door, but she was beautiful, intelligent and accomplished.
I was in “observation mode” which meant I watched her session and said as little as possible. I loved watching her.
As she left, I shook hands with the client, thanked her for allowing me to watch and told her I was “thrilled to meet her.”
As the door closed, my boss looked at me and said: “Let’s talk.”
She asked me what I thought about the client, and I bubbled over with the things that I saw that I loved about her; she was brilliant, funny and had a cool accent too!
My boss looked at me and said, “Let’s talk about you.”
I’ll never forget the look on her face and what she said next.
“Alex, you’re just… so… effusive“. Her words came out in a stammer as she imitated my gestures. Her face scrunched up; she looked disgusted.
My chest tightened.
I didn’t know what effusive meant.
I didn’t need to. I could tell it wasn’t good. I got what she meant.
Tone it down.
Hold back the energy.
Don’t talk “like that.”
Be less “you.”
I could feel a lump rising in my throat.
I didn’t want to cry in front of my new boss.
Professionals don’t cry.
Professionals who teach executive presence absolutely do not cry.
I tried, but I couldn’t keep the tears in.
I could see she didn’t expect my response; she sat and stared blankly at me.
I got up, grabbed a tissue and tried to breathe. I came back to the table, wiping my tears away. After several uncomfortable seconds of silence, she looked at me and said
“You’re your own worst critic aren’t you?”
I nodded.
She said, “Well, then, we won’t need to have many more conversations like this will we?”
I nodded again.
And with that nod… at that exact moment...
I shrunk.
I withered.
I started to put away the parts of me that I had thought made me special.
I spent the next couple of years working hard to suck in and stuff away anything that might be effusive about me. I tried to be anything and everything but me.
I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. All I knew was that I was effusive, and therefore not good enough. It almost destroyed me.
Eventually, I left that job.
It took time and help from people who love and know me well, that trying to be something other than myself was never going to work.
I needed to come to terms with who I am.
I looked up effusive, and I read, with new eyes, what it really means.
It means expressing feelings of gratitude, pleasure or approval in an unstrained or heartfelt manner.
(Synonyms include; overflowing, exuberant, enthusiastic, extravagant, gushing, talkative)
“That’s me!”
New tears came. I took a deep breath, and I thought, “That is how I want people to remember me when I’m gone.”
I decided then and there to take that word, the one meant to make me less than who I am, and make it mine.
I am unrestrained in my gratitude for being called effusive.
Looking back, I can’t tell you if my boss ever knew or understood the impact her words had on me. I choose to believe that she was doing the best she could at the moment.
However, let my experience serve as a reminder for all of us to consider our words carefully. Especially when they’re directed at someone else.
It’s not easy, and we won’t get it right every time, but we need to try.
Here’s what I know now, without a doubt. We need more effusiveness, more gratitude, more enthusiasm, more people showing up as who they are at work.
I am leading the way to make that happen and I’d LOVE for you to join me!
P.S. The image featured in this post is one of my favorites. It’s me with my brother Adrian and sister Charlotte (you can probably guess who’s who). The recipients of so much of my effusiveness from the start. I believe it captures my heart and soul.